Modern Design Theory

Right now, in America, the Cretin Army is fast taking back ground in our educational system lost in a battle that occurred nearly a century ago. I know this because everyday lately I happen upon a story in a newspaper, or on a television show, telling me so.

Maybe you've read or heard something too.

Intelligent Design: the complexities of the natural world are, well, just too damned complex to have been achieved through the mechanisms of evolution. Therefore, these intricacies must have been, simply, designed.

By what? By whom? That's up to the individual to ponder. Nobody is trying to sell god in our public schools.

Invariably, though, most Americans arrive at god. But proponents of the theory (theory?) don't push the matter either way. After a wink and a nudge, they rely twice on the stupidity of certain people: the first time, when they sell the theory; the second time, when you conclude that god plopped everything down on Earth basically as it is, tossing to the wayside one of the most compelling disciplines of modern science.

Our President believes that Intelligent Design should be taught, without mention of god, alongside evolution in public schools, just as an alternative. He's not up to anything nefarious, he just believes that the theory of evolution doesn't hold water.

Perhaps we are able to find some basic examples of flora and fauna altering themselves over long periods of time, but it's all very superficial according these ersatz scientists. Science and evolution just cannot explain the most intricate and subtle workings of most organisms or, at least, how they came to possess certain complex functionalities.

The state of Kansas, well-known for its sunflowers and tornadoes, is spearheading the fight by introducing legislation in its own government to have Intelligent Design taught along side Darwinism. God - I mean, Intelligent Designer, help us!

It's fascinating, because I don't believe in some of these wild ideas propounded by so-called meteorologists. I don't believe in "high" and "low" pressure "systems," or in any of the various kinds of "fronts" they claim hover in our "atmosphere."

I believe that tornados in Kansas occur when the Intelligent Designer flushes his toilet. I also believe that sunflowers are actually made of sun.

Is that wrong?

Positively Penurious

About two weeks ago, I opened a new account for a parsimonious, but extraordinarily wealthy old battle-axe from New Jersey. The fiery and ancient fishwife, whose net worth is between five and ten-million dollars, purchased ten-thousand dollars worth of a new-issue bond from me.

The next day, after I had already opened the account and processed the trade, she called back and told me she required another one-thousand dollars worth of that exact same bond. I told her that it was no longer available, as it was a new issue and had sold quickly, but that I'd be happy to put the other thousand into another new issue that had become available.

The decrepit old ogress told me - actually, she was snarling and yelling - that it didn't make sense for her to have such a small amount of the second bond, and that I was to cancel the first trade immediately and close the account.

What warranted such extreme measures, you ask?

Well, if she had two bonds being held by our brokerage firm, her end-of-year report (a '1099,' which is prepared for tax purposes) would contain an additional line showing the interest earned from the second, smaller bond position. As a result, her accountant would charge her an additional fee for the extra labor, which would cut into the overall yield of the bond over the seven years until its maturity.

I cancelled, or "busted" the trade, sold the bond at a loss on the open market to cover her debit, and had to absorb the difference myself.

One, don't ever renege on a good-faith transaction. Two, don't ever be so miserly that it causes you to act like an asshole.

Caught!

It seems like I haven't had a minute to myself these past few weeks. The wedding looms large, and there are loads of minutiae that we've either neglected or screwed up. This is becoming a fulltime job! My surreptitious scheme to ‘just stay the hell out of it’ has been detected and thwarted by Foxy and her band of cronies.

I just licked and stamped 120 invitations. I’m not kidding. It feels like I have marshmallows and plaster in my mouth, and my tongue has somehow become glued to the outside of my cheek. We forgot to buy an envelope moistener, and Foxy would have none of the licking. So I was saddled with the gooey task.

Hopefully, life will be moving at a more normal clip again within the next week or so.

The Isle of Wight – or, IoW to those of us in the know - was wonderful! The scenery is extremely dramatic, with its jutting, chalky promontories, lush green hills and valleys, violent Channel-upsurges, and roving bipedal lobsters from sundry locales around the United Kingdom.

It was Cowes Week on the IoW, an international regatta and festival which is centered in and around the town of Cowes. Apparently, this is the world's largest regatta. Bigger than the America's Cup? I don't know, I didn't ask. It was very impressive nonetheless.

I also caught the Sandown Airshow, which is also another ‘biggest’ in the UK. I found that hard to believe, as it was actually quite small. Anyway, the program featured the holy trinity of the Battle of Britain: The Hurricane, The Spitfire, and The P-51 Mustang. It was absolutely incredible to watch these planes scream by within a hundred yards at full throttle, and something I’ll not soon forget.